Relationships and the Role of Attachment
Our early experiences with primary caregivers shape the foundation of how we engage in relationships throughout our lives. These attachments influence how we connect and how we react to the inevitable challenges within close relationships. A dear friend recently shared an experience from preventative relationship counselling, where her therapist unveiled how her husband's behaviours were unconsciously activating wounds from her own childhood. This is mirrored in my own relationship where sometimes my own abandonment wounds can be triggered just by my husband leaving the house for an overnight trip. It is not his trip away that produce a sad response in me; it’s my old father wound of abandonment aching. And yet, on the surface, it could appear that I am sad and anxious about his departure, but the roots go far deeper. The inner experience is one of grappling with an old wound that feels as raw and immediate as the day it was created. It is a reminder that unresolved pain from our past can echo through our present, surfacing in moments that seem ordinary to others. This recognition has been a profound step in my journey, acknowledging that the feelings stirred in such moments are less about the present circumstances and more about the unmet needs and grief of my younger self, still seeking resolution and understanding.
This is why a deeper understanding of attachment theory is so important in counselling and therapy. Pioneered by John Bowlby, attachment theory explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional patterns and relational dynamics. Building on Bowlby’s work, Mary Ainsworth identified four key attachment styles: avoidant, ambivalent, disorganised, and secure. These styles illuminate how children connect with their caregivers and lay the groundwork for understanding adult relationships, highlighting the enduring impact of early attachment experiences.
I’ve spoken previously about how I can become avoidant in conflict. This avoidant style is an emotional inheritance from my father and, unfortunately, it shows up in my relationships as well as when I am in conflict. Bringing my avoidant tendencies into conscious awareness has been a powerful part of my healing journey: with my husband but also with my children. Without this awareness and effort, such patterns risk continuing through our family lineage, passed down to future generations like an unspoken heirloom.
So, how does one begin to change these patterns? My dear friend mentioned earlier offers a wonderful example: preventative relationship counselling. Too often, people seek relational therapy only in moments of crisis. In such situations, old wounds are frequently reopened, and the rawness of the moment can lead to unintended, sometimes irreparable, emotional damage. Crisis therapy tends to focus on stabilising the “sinking ship,” addressing the immediate pain and dysfunction. In contrast, preventative counselling takes a proactive approach, working to "correct the course" before the relationship reaches turbulent waters.
This kind of therapy, popularised by shows like Couples Therapy, examines current issues within the relational environment and uses them as a springboard to dive deep into the inner experiences of both partners. It’s a delicate process. Attachment styles, family narratives and unconscious material often become invigorated during this work, demanding careful positioning, thoughtful pacing, and the nuanced intellect of a skilled therapist. And yet, within this challenging but deeply rewarding process, something transformative can occur. By bearing witness to the other's inner world: their narratives, fears, vulnerabilities, and unconscious patterns, it has been my experience that we grow closer. This shared understanding becomes the glue that binds us, weaving together the threads of lifelong partnership, mutual understanding, and a shared journey through life’s complexities.
Another effective way to engage in this work is through individual therapy. Coming to therapy alone allows you to delve deeply into understanding how the attachment styles you developed in your family of origin shape the way you relate to others today. My own therapy has been invaluable in this regard, helping me explore how my avoidant tendencies were formed and giving me the tools to navigate relationships with greater emotional awareness and intention.
Therapy, whether relational or individual, can provide a supportive space to understand yourself, your past, and your relational patterns. It’s a step toward healing, for yourself, for those you love and for the generations to come.
