Rupture and Repair

Life, mine included, is full of rupture. Although these two words flow like an old married couple, repair does not always follow willingly with rupture. And with enough ruptures and no repair, relationships can become resentful, mistrusting or even toxic. Enough ruptures, or one big rupture, and a relationship could implode instantly. Therapeutic examples of rupture include long-term patterns where one party in a relationship is always the one to compromise or apologise, a working relationship where one is asked to negotiate their ethics in order to keep their job, or a friendship that implodes because intimate and confidential details were shared without permission.

Rupture as Universal

We all know rupture. We were pushed out of the warmth of our mother’s belly, likely told at some stage that we weren’t permitted to sleep in our parents’ room, yelled at, hit (not all of us), betrayed by a lover who took another into their bed or a parent who shared our darkest demons without consideration. If you have lived a life without rupture, you were likely meditating in a cave! And even then, even Milarepa, the wisest of Buddhist sages who meditated in caves, experienced the rupture in his own mind of doubt and fear, and the struggle to overcome his past karma. Rupture, it seems, is an inseparable part of the human experience.

Unconscious Rupture

Sometimes we rupture without knowing it, as our unconscious patterns clash with another’s. These clashes might manifest in seemingly small actions: a thoughtless comment, a dismissive tone, or failing to meet someone’s emotional needs in a moment of vulnerability. Although these ruptures are unintentional, born from habits or beliefs we carry unconsciously, they do not hurt any less.

I recently experienced rupture with my father, who breached the confidence of a private conversation. These private conversational details were then shared with a third, fourth and fifth party, much to my shock and embarrassment. It pierced my heart for too many reasons to list here, other than to say that there was an unconscious pattern in me that his sharing felt like I didn’t matter to him. His unconscious pattern was to move into solution-mode, rather than just bearing witness to the story. This clash of unconscious patterning (made conscious through the rupturing) made the injury a third-degree burn rather than just a scald. This small personal example also demonstrates that there is often more going on beneath the surface of a rupture that seeks our attention.

Repair is Not a Given

Repair, on the other hand, is not so universal. Some never experienced repair modelling from their primary caregiver, or with their work colleagues, bosses, or mentors (if indeed they ever had a mentor!). As such, repair is less known, and less understood. When we add the lack of repair modelling to the various unconscious patterns that we bring into the rupture experience, it can be very difficult to navigate repair. Certainly, my experience with clients, and in my own personal therapy, is that seeing your unconscious patterns is near impossible to do solo. In this way, rupture is inevitable and yet the repair is messy. Coming to therapy helps this messiness, especially in navigating large ruptures and your own inner life that is bubbling beneath the surface of the rupture. But therapy aside, how can we navigate repair after any rupture?

Repair Like a Child

I always like taking rupture and repair ideals back to how we might approach repair with a child. In the instances where I have tuned out, over-reacted, or mis-stepped with my daughter, I feel she is most receptive to repair work from me when I own my own part in the rupture. For example, I might say to her, “I’m sorry that I yelled at you this morning. I feel stressed that we were running late for your dental appointment, and I am sorry that I took that out on you.” Here I take responsibility and also offer some of my inner life in my repair effort. I might then say: “I don’t want to be the grumpy Mum, and I’m trying not to be. Will you forgive me?”

When she is feeling brave, she might respond with her view of that situation: “I don’t like it when you yell at me, it makes me feel scared.” And here I do my best to assume her position in that communication. I empathise with how it must be to feel scared at your Mumma yelling, when I am meant to be the one who protects her. Assuming the other’s perspective is crucial in facilitating genuine repair, and I encourage all my clients to switch, whenever safe to do so, into the other’s perspective so that they can come to understand there are numerous viewpoints and patterns in a rupture, many of them unconscious. 

Taking your own side

This said, switching into the other person’s perspective needs to be balanced with taking your own side in the rupture. While empathy and perspective-taking are essential for repair, it’s equally important to honour and validate your own feelings and experiences. This balance ensures that the repair process does not become one-sided, where one party’s needs overshadow the other’s. Taking your own side means acknowledging the validity of your emotions and the impact of the rupture on you, and it allows you to explore your inner life with curiosity and warmth. When both perspectives are given space, repair work becomes a mutual effort rather than a sacrifice of one person’s emotional reality for the sake of harmony. This interplay between empathy for the other and self-compassion fosters a deeper, more resilient connection.

In the example with my father, I gave myself the space to confront the painful aspects of his actions while also gently observing the recurring narrative within me: the belief that “I don’t matter” to him. When he shared his perspective and offered an apology, I made an effort to step into his shoes and view his actions from his perspective. While this didn’t alter the reality of the rupture or lessen its intense sting, it provided us with a path for navigating the process of repair.

Manifesting as Repair Work

The follow-up to repair work is to manifest it in our actions. When I apologise to my daughter for being grumpy, it’s not enough to simply say the words. I need to align my intention with a genuine effort to be less grumpy in the future. Similarly, my father needs to work on his intention to listen without overstepping by sharing confidential details or rushing to solution-mode. If the rupture repeats, the repair risks becoming inauthentic and disingenuous, ultimately unravelling the whole repair process.

Manifesting authentic rupture and repair does not involve blaming or shaming the other party; it’s about fostering accountability and mutual understanding without resorting to harm. This isn’t a free ticket to bypass responsibility or avoid the work required to address the underlying issues: your unconscious material. Instead, it calls for both parties to engage with honesty and vulnerability, ensuring the repair is rooted in sincerity and growth rather than deflection or avoidance.  Ultimately this later path leads to a smaller world, with fewer loved ones, friends or methods of interacting.

Therapy as a Support for Navigating Rupture and Repair

This work to navigate rupture and repair can be incredibly challenging, or even impossible, to undertake alone. Therapy provides a supportive environment to explore and navigate the inner components of rupture and repair. It helps by offering a safe space to identify and unpack unconscious patterns, process difficult emotions, and build self-awareness. A skilled therapist can guide individuals in understanding their triggers and relational dynamics, offering tools to communicate more effectively and authentically. Therapy also fosters compassion, both for oneself and for others, allowing the repair process to unfold with intention and care. By holding a mirror to our experiences, therapy supports us in integrating these parts of ourselves, enabling deeper connection and healing in all of our personal and professional relationships.

Closing the gap between rupture and repair is a transformative journey. If this work resonates with you, whether for yourself, your loved ones, your relationship, or your professional self, I invite you to reach out. You can email, send a text, or book a connection call to explore how therapy can support you in this meaningful process. Together, we can work toward healing, understanding, and lasting change.