The Pain of Conflict: Embracing an Inevitable Reality
Conflict is, undeniably, painful. As much as we might long for a world free from disagreement or distress, that vision of harmony, a life untouched by conflict, is a flight of fantasy. Sooner or later, conflict will touch us all, and it’s how we respond that shapes the quality and trajectory of our lives.
The way we move through conflict often follows unconscious patterns deeply rooted in past experiences. For example, I grew up in a family where conflict was treated as a danger: a precursor to family breakdown, divorce, and the threat of abandonment. In my family, the unspoken rule was to avoid conflict at all costs, leading me to view any confrontation as something deeply unsettling.
My husband, however, was raised in a family of conflict revellers. When issues arose, they confronted them head-on, often in heated bursts of energy without immediate resolution. Yet, these confrontations allowed the tension to find an outlet. When these two styles met in our marriage, the clash was evident: I hid away, retreating to the bedroom, while he would have an outburst, then let the matter drift away unresolved. Ultimately, the issue that initiated the conflict ended up not being discussed, worked through, or resolved as we became stuck in our patterns and familiar habits of addressing conflict. Old wounds were unstitched, bringing fresh fears and anxieties into the situation.
This contrast of styles highlights a universal truth: in any relationship (whether marriage, friendship, or family) conflict can quickly come to the forefront, bringing with it a wave of emotions. Recognising our patterns is just one piece of the puzzle. In therapy, we work together to uncover these conditioned responses, exploring how they serve or limit us, and finding more intentional ways to engage with conflict that align with our values, relationships and professions.
In therapeutic spaces, if possible, we also contemplate the idea that the one we conflict with has something to show us about ourselves. Often, something within the conflict is unconscious and needs our attention. This happened to me during a conflict with a family member: I was rattled by the other person's sense of freedom and flow, a quality I realised I needed to embrace more fully in my own life. This revelation didn’t resolve the conflict outright, but it added greater context than the immediate details of the argument, helping me to grow from the experience. Though I’m not constantly in conflict, I recognise how uncomfortable these moments can feel and the valuable lessons they bring.
Another crucial aspect of working with conflict in therapy is developing a larger view, the ability to “zoom out,” or what process-oriented psychology calls the metacommunicator. In essence, we work to become the bird in the tree, looking down on the conflict and our conflict partner with detachment and a broader perspective that allows us to see beyond our own viewpoint. Not everyone may feel ready or able to do this right away, and that’s perfectly okay. But improving our capacity to zoom out, our metacommunicator, is a transferable skill that supports us not just in conflict but also in our professional spaces, core relationships, and the direction of our lives. This broader view enables us to engage with life’s bigger existential questions, guiding us toward deeper understanding and alignment with our personal values and purpose.
Conflict then isn’t so much about resolving the issue at hand with the other, though resolution can often be a welcome by-product. Conflict is more about a journey of self-discovery. It reveals layers of who we are, highlighting our vulnerabilities, strengths, and areas where growth may be calling to us. In the therapeutic space, conflict becomes an invitation to see beyond the immediate frustrations, transforming it from a source of division into an opportunity for connection, self-awareness, and meaningful change.
